Why Most People Are Terrible Conversationalists (And How to Actually Fix It)

Last Tuesday, I was stuck in a lift with a bloke from level 12 for exactly 47 minutes. Not by choice, obviously – the bloody thing broke down between floors, and maintenance took their sweet time. But here's the thing that really got me: in nearly an hour of being trapped together, this guy managed to have the most painful conversation I've endured since my nephew tried to explain cryptocurrency at Christmas dinner.

It started innocently enough. "Nice weather we're having," he said, which is already a red flag because it was bucketing down outside. Then he proceeded to tell me about his weekend lawn mowing routine. In excruciating detail. For twenty-three minutes.

This got me thinking about why most people are absolutely shocking at conversation, and more importantly, what we can do about it in our workplaces.

The Australian Communication Crisis

Here's my first controversial opinion: we've become a nation of conversation cowards. We hide behind emails, slack messages, and awkward small talk about the weather instead of having real, meaningful exchanges. I reckon 73% of workplace conflicts could be solved if people just learned how to have a proper chat.

I've worked with everyone from mining executives in Perth to tech startups in Melbourne, and the pattern is always the same. People either clam up like they're facing a Senate inquiry, or they verbal-diarrhoea all over you without coming up for air.

Neither approach works.

The thing is, good conversation isn't rocket science. It's not about being the smoothest talker in the room or having a university degree in communications. It's about understanding some basic human psychology and having the courage to actually engage.

Stop Being a Conversation Vampire

You know those people who suck the life out of every interaction? The ones who ask "How was your weekend?" then immediately launch into a 15-minute monologue about their own weekend without waiting for an answer?

Don't be that person.

Real conversation is like a tennis match – it requires back and forth. But here's where most people stuff it up: they think good conversation means having something clever to say. Wrong. Good conversation means being genuinely curious about the other person.

I learned this the hard way about eight years ago when I was working with a client in Brisbane. I was so focused on impressing them with my expertise that I barely listened to what they were actually telling me. Missed a crucial piece of information about their company culture, proposed a solution that was completely wrong for them, and nearly lost the contract. Sometimes the best thing you can do is shut up and listen.

The communication training I provide now always starts with this principle: listen more than you speak. Sounds simple, but it's harder than you think when you're nervous or trying to prove yourself.

The Secret Sauce: Actually Give a Damn

Here's my second controversial opinion: most people don't actually want to have conversations – they just want to be heard. This creates a room full of people waiting for their turn to talk, rather than actually engaging with what others are saying.

Proper conversation requires genuine interest in other people's perspectives, even when you disagree with them. Especially when you disagree with them. Some of the best workplace innovations I've seen have come from heated discussions where people with different viewpoints actually listened to each other instead of just defending their positions.

Take Atlassian, for example – their whole culture is built around healthy debate and open communication. They've created an environment where disagreement is welcomed, not feared. That's how you get breakthrough thinking.

But here's the catch: you can't fake genuine interest. People can smell insincerity from a kilometre away. If you're just going through the motions of asking questions while mentally preparing your next point, you're wasting everyone's time.

The Questions That Actually Matter

Forget "How's the weather?" or "Busy week?" These are conversation killers disguised as conversation starters.

Instead, try questions that require actual thought. "What's the most interesting challenge you're working on right now?" or "What would you change about how we handle client meetings?" These questions show you're interested in the person's professional life without being too personal for a workplace setting.

I once worked with a team leader in Adelaide who transformed his department's dynamics by changing how he started his Monday morning meetings. Instead of the usual "Any issues to report?" he began asking "What's one thing you learned last week that surprised you?" The change was remarkable – people became more engaged, started sharing insights across departments, and the whole team's problem-solving improved.

The key is asking questions that reveal how people think, not just what they think.

Reading the Room (It's Not That Hard)

Body language isn't rocket science, but you'd be amazed how many people miss obvious signals. If someone's checking their phone every thirty seconds, they're not engaged. If they're leaning away from you and giving one-word answers, they want the conversation to end.

Conversely, if they're leaning in, making eye contact, and asking follow-up questions, you've got their attention. Keep going, but don't overstay your welcome.

I see this all the time in networking events around Sydney and Melbourne – blokes who corner someone and just won't let them escape, even when the poor victim is clearly desperate to move on. Read the signals and know when to wrap it up gracefully.

The Power of Productive Disagreement

Here's where things get interesting: the best conversations often involve disagreement. Not the angry, personal kind of disagreement you see on social media, but thoughtful, respectful challenges to ideas.

I've noticed Australian workplaces are particularly bad at this. We have this cultural tendency to avoid conflict, which sounds nice in theory but actually stifles innovation and problem-solving. Conflict resolution training has become one of my most requested services because teams don't know how to disagree constructively.

The trick is to challenge ideas, not people. Say "I see it differently because..." instead of "You're wrong." Ask questions like "Help me understand why you think that approach would work" rather than immediately shutting down suggestions.

Some of the most profitable projects I've worked on came from meetings where people respectfully tore each other's ideas apart and built something better from the pieces.

Technology: Friend or Foe?

Let's address the elephant in the room – technology has made us all a bit rubbish at face-to-face conversation. We're more comfortable expressing ourselves through screens than in person.

But here's the thing: email and instant messaging are tools, not replacements for actual conversation. I see teams that conduct entire projects through Slack without ever having a proper discussion about the work they're doing together.

Use technology to set up conversations, not replace them. A quick "Can we chat about the Johnson proposal? I have some thoughts" is much better than a 47-email chain where nothing gets resolved.

Video calls have helped bridge the gap during remote work, but they're still not the same as being in the same room. There's something about shared physical space that makes conversations flow differently. Don't abandon in-person meetings entirely just because remote is convenient.

Practice Makes... Better

Like any skill, conversation improves with practice. But here's the catch – you can't practice by having the same conversation with the same people every day.

Challenge yourself to have different types of conversations. Talk to people from different departments, different generations, different backgrounds. Each conversation teaches you something new about how to connect with different communication styles.

I make a point of having at least one conversation per day with someone I don't normally talk to. Sometimes it's the security guard in the lobby, sometimes it's a client from a completely different industry. You'd be surprised how much you can learn about communication by stepping outside your usual circle.

The interpersonal skills training I run always includes role-playing exercises where people practice difficult conversations in a safe environment. It's awkward at first, but it works.

When Conversations Go Wrong

Not every conversation will be brilliant. Some will be disasters, and that's okay. The key is learning from the failures.

I once completely misjudged a client conversation in Darwin. Thought I was being friendly and casual when I was actually coming across as unprofessional and flippant. Lost the deal and learned a valuable lesson about adapting my communication style to match the situation.

When conversations go badly, resist the urge to blame the other person. Ask yourself: What could I have done differently? Did I listen properly? Did I ask the right questions? Was my body language sending the wrong message?

Most conversation failures come from mismatched expectations or communication styles, not personality conflicts.

The Bottom Line

Good conversation skills aren't a nice-to-have in today's workplace – they're essential. Every promotion, every successful project, every innovative solution comes from people being able to communicate effectively with each other.

But here's the reality check: reading an article about conversation techniques won't magically make you a great conversationalist. You need to get out there and practice. Start small – really listen to the next person who talks to you. Ask one genuine question. Pay attention to their response.

Stop hiding behind technology and start having real conversations with real people. Your career, your relationships, and your sanity will thank you for it.

And next time you're stuck in a lift with someone, maybe skip the lawn mowing story.